Waiter's Song - Denis O'Hare/Jeremy Shamos.mp3

[00:00.000] 作词 : Stephen Sondheim
[00:00.165] 作曲 : Stephen Sondheim
[00:00.330]WAITER I am so sorry, Madam,
[00:02.902]We have no decaf latte mocchaniños
[00:05.686]With soy milk
[00:06.894]Today.
[00:08.133]CLAUDIA Fine. Skip the soy.
[00:09.119]WAITER What can I say?
[00:09.890]CLAUDIA I said fine. Regular is f—
[00:11.429]WAITER That's not the problem, Madam.
[00:14.171]The problem isn't just the soy,
[00:15.823]You see,
[00:16.847]It's more than just the soy.
[00:18.644]CLAUDIA Yeah, so — ?
[00:19.608]WAITER I couldn't be more sorry, madam,
[00:22.755]But sad to say, the fact is
[00:24.174]That not only do we have no soy —
[00:26.493]PAUL Oh, boy.
[00:27.312]CLAUDIA Don't tell me that you have no mocha —
[00:28.224]WAITER We have no mocha.
[00:29.296]CLAUDIA Then just a decaf latte, I don't —
[00:30.388]WAITER We're also out of latte.
[00:31.427]CLAUDIA What?!
[00:32.232]WAITER We do expect a little latte later,
[00:34.694]But we haven't got a lotta latte now.
[00:38.259]RAFFAEL You can't be out of latte — that would mean you're out of milk!
[00:40.789]WAITER Sir, not only are we out of milk,
[00:43.457]We're out of cream,
[00:44.478]We're out of half-and-half.
[00:46.204]CLAUDIA The caffe latte without the lat — !
[00:47.120]WAITER We're also out of caf.
[00:48.704]CLAUDIA Not even "de" — ?
[00:49.754]WAITER Is that a laugh?
[00:51.430]CLAUDIA All right then, tea. Twining's Earl Grey. Bag on the side.
[00:56.827]WAITER Ah... Yes... Well...
[01:01.332]CLAUDIA Don't tell me —
[01:01.976]WAITER I am so sorry, Madam,
[01:04.519]I do apologize,
[01:05.493]It's unforgivable,
[01:06.618]I'm so embarrassed,
[01:08.296]But not only are we out of Earl Grey,
[01:11.739]We're out of Earl Green,
[01:13.128]We're out of Earl Red and Blue
[01:15.173]And everything in between.
[01:16.514]CLAUDIA Okay then, Lipton's, I don't care, whatever —
[01:19.023]WAITER I apologize profusely, Madam,
[01:21.988]But we're shit out of tea
[01:23.803]Today.
[01:25.382]CLAUDIA You've got to be kidding.
[01:26.660]WAITER Je suis désolé.
[01:28.185]CLAUDIA Fine. Diet Coke with lem —
[01:29.406]WAITER Madam, if I may —
[01:30.528]I forgot to say,
[01:31.448]By the way,
[01:32.614]We have no Coke,
[01:34.078]We have no Sprite,
[01:35.038]We have no Mountain Dew,
[01:36.625]No Fresca Lite.
[01:37.848]And I should add, although I do regret it:
[01:40.256]If you're thinking beer or wine, forget it.
[01:43.372]LEO Let's just order. Gimme the abalone omelette, runny, extra saffron.
[01:48.319]WAITER Excellent choice.
[01:49.297]MARIANNE I've changed my mind about manna.
[01:51.651]I crave huevoth rancheroth.
[01:54.048]WAITER A thuperb thelection.
[01:56.017]CLAUDIA I'll do the blood pudding. Make it vampiric.
[01:58.517]WAITER Nice.
[02:00.287]RAFFAEL I will have the curried goat hash.
[02:04.678]WAITER Splendid.
[02:06.186]PAUL Do I want the Malay duck?
[02:08.577]WAITER It is an unparalleled experience.
[02:10.374]PAUL Done.
[02:11.450]FRITZ I'm gonna go basic. A cheeseburger, medium. That's California medium, only pink around the edges.
[02:16.812]LEO Just bring the shit, will you? We're starving!
[02:19.350]WAITER Ah... Yes... well, perhaps I should have mentioned...
[02:24.873]LEO What.
[02:26.481]WAITER I am so sorry, sir, but
[02:29.459]We're out of abalone omelettes,
[02:31.948]Although I have to say they are delicious
[02:34.088]And I'm sure you'd like them if we had them
[02:36.186]But we don't.
[02:37.072]LEO Oh, for Christ's sake! Then make it two hashes, only make my goat medium —
[02:40.554]WAITER Nor have we any hash,
[02:41.831]Never mind the curried goat.
[02:43.488]And wait, I made a note:
[02:44.980]Oh yes, the huevos —
[02:47.428]Nada, sorry.
[02:49.679]Right, who had the duck?
[02:52.418]You're out of luck.
[02:53.832]PAUL ****.
[02:54.659]WAITER As for the —
[02:55.450]Ugh! Blood pudding —
[02:59.384]Well, I wouldn't recommend it anyway.
[03:02.549]MARIANNE , PAUL , LEO , CLAUDIA , FRITZ , RAFFAEL (Simultaneously)This is ridiculous! — Well, what do you have? — Why is it on the menu? — It's false advertising! — Will you all stop complaining? — I cannot eat in this condition!
[03:13.777]WAITER On behalf of the entire management and staff
[03:17.258]And international consortium
[03:18.471]That owns and operates Café Everything,
[03:21.539]I can't apologize enough,
[03:25.924]I just may go and kill myself.
[03:28.872]That's what I'll do, I'll kill myself.
[03:31.202]I'd rather kill myself
[03:32.986]Than have to tell you
[03:34.643]We're completely out of food!
[03:37.203]CLAUDIA How rude.
[03:37.558]RAFFAEL No — ?
[03:38.034]WAITER Of any kind.
[03:38.892]MARIANNE Well, never mind.
[03:41.866]WAITER I should have given you some warning,
[03:46.466]But it's been a very busy morning.
[03:51.261]CLAUDIA Then why the hell did you take our orders?
[03:53.645]WAITER Madam, that's my job. I'll go check on that water.
[03:59.833]PAUL I thought he wanted to kill himself.
[04:01.565]LEO Café Nada, they oughta call it.
[04:03.632]CLAUDIA Hey! Could you make that sparkling?
[04:05.990]A gunshot is heard.
[04:07.535]MARIANNE What in the world was that?
[04:09.510]FRITZ That was a gunshot.
[04:11.000]CLAUDIA Because I asked for sparkling? Why don't we go to Bistro a la Mode? It's French Deconstructivist cuisine.
[04:17.222]LEO Well — back to square one.
[04:19.114]Everybody into the car!